Are you a mythical creature who goes to work, pays bills on time, and doesn't think cleaning is an optional life skill? Congratulations, you're already ahead of 99% of roommate applicants!
Looking for one unicorn roommate who understands that "cleaning schedule" isn't just a decorative wall poster. If you think doing dishes is something that happens automatically while you sleep, please keep scrolling. If you understand that weekend plans can include both laundry AND Netflix, we should talk!
The goods:
- Furnished room that doesn't look like it was decorated by a dumpster diver
- Private bathroom (yes, you'll need to clean it – shocking, I know)
- Full kitchen access (warning: adulting involves more than just microwaving)
- Living room with actual furniture (not milk crates)
- Wi-Fi fast enough to stream your existential crisis
- Washer/dryer (because laundromats are where dreams go to die)
The catch? You need to be:
- Employed (sorry, "professional influencer" doesn't count)
- Clean (like, actually clean, not "I'll do it tomorrow" clean)
- Respectful (basic human decency, revolutionary concept)
- Drama-free (save it for your TikTok)
- Able to communicate without passive-aggressive sticky notes
Non-negotiables:
- No drugs (not even if you're "holding them for a friend")
- No overnight guests (this isn't a hotel)
- No pets (your emotional support cactus is fine)
- No smoking (your lungs will thank you)
- No partying (we're boring and proud of it)
Rent is $567/month + $250 deposit (both actual money, not cryptocurrency)
If you've read this far and think, "Wow, these people sound delightfully uptight," send your contact info, a brief introduction, and phone number. No phone number = no response. Yes, really.
Warning: This home contains responsible adults who occasionally vacuum on weekends. You've been warned.